Sssswwwwwwussssssssssssssssss!!!!! SSSWwwwwuck!!! SSSssweet!!!

I did go today.
I did vacuum.
Well, I plugged in and pushed and dragged the appliance shown above all over my apartment for about half an hour.
I did not use the hose and attachments to go under things. I got hot and sweaty enough earlier, was my excuse.
I can do that on Saturday was my second idea.
And I probably will, because this Hoover is a mighty fine Hoover.
This appliance picked up two canisters of fur and dirt. I think it picked up fur and dirt from the last three tenants, as well as everything neglected by my other vacuum since October. It emptied easily and cleanly.
Also, it is red and shiny.
There was a lavender coloured vacuum cleaner at the store. I was becoming enraged just looking at it.
Red and shiny is good.
Finally, I believe that the furry dog pictured on the box was reduced in size seven times by close proximity to an operating model, and is revealed almost bald.
There is hope yet.

KA-BOOOOOMMMM!!!!

What did I ever do to the Bissell Vacuum Company? Hmn? What have I ever done to anyone to deserve this fifty-six-year-long fight with carpet cleaning and carpet shampooing appliances? And, more importantly, how is Bissell allowed to design, name, produce and sell a "pro" vacuum cleaner that works as well as me shaking a stick at the pet fur on my wall-to-wall apartment carpeting? EH?
I am all sweaty and mad.
I always get sweaty and mad when I vacuum. My mom used to make me clean the house with an old "floating" globular Hoover when I was a kid. It flung particulates everywhere. My dad was a matchstick shredding, tobacco-shedding, ash-spreading slob. I bump walls and furniture in completely unsublimated rage to this day, thanks to him – less the coughing, thanks to air filtering. I have had many vacuum cleaners of greater and lesser worth over the years, but I suspect the entire world would agree with me when I say that the MINUMUM REQUIREMENT from such a machine would bloody well be SUCTION.
I am, today, finally admitting that I am broken. Broken, hopeless and forlorn.
"Oh," you say. "Dyson!" you say. I hate that Dyson guy. He is so smug. He sells $700 vacuums. $800 vacuums. And a pet fur specialty vacuum that I can order from amazon.ca for $900. I wish he would have devoted his life to perfecting a toaster, because I have to toast my bagels and bread in two steps to get them right. And I love my toaster. No one understands the need for perfect toast, so I work around it.
But vacuum cleaners? Vacuum cleaners should be easy! Jets in reverse! Make stuff GO AWAY! There are flippin LEAF BLOWERS destroying everyone's piece of mind all over the damned place! Men LOVE THEM! Turn the motor the other way!!!

Why are there useless $100 vacuums and divinely perfect $700 vacuums and nothing but wretched gambles in between?

I knew it wouldn't be easy. It is never easy. The cat and dog take off to the furthest walls. The cord gets yanked to its utmost length. I push the power button. Dust and fur go in and then
SONOFA
that infuriating sliiiiiiiiithhh sound when a glob of dog hair throws the vacuum into a state of shock and I have to shut her all down, open the hatch, pull out the tangle, shut the hatch, click the canister back on, plug in the machine, touch the floor and
SONOFA
that infuriating sliiiiiiiiithhh sound when a glob of dog hair throws the vacuum into a state of shock and I have to shut her all down, open the hatch, pull out the tangle, shut the hatch, click the canister back on, plug in the machine, touch the floor and
SONOFA
that infuriating sliiiiiiiiithhh sound when a glob of dog hair throws the vacuum into a state of shock and I have to shut her all down, open the hatch, pull out the tangle, shut the hatch, click the canister back on, plug in the machine, touch the floor and
SONOFA

KA-BOOM!

I'VE HAD IT!

If I were one half of a millimeter closer to being a slightly different kind of person, there would be an assortment of busted pieces of a crappy, useless household appliance littering the little concrete paved patio six floors below me.
As it is, I see Walmart, the retailer I hate but can actually afford, has a highly rated Hoover in stock. I haven't had a fight with a Hoover for a long time. Shark was okay to me for a while. Bissell makes me cry. My Bissell "Pro Heat" "power steamer" sits here beside me in the living room. Dead. It lead me along for two years. YouTube advises I open it up, as I might be able to discover a part that I might be able to remove, order, and replace.
I am, at heart, a simple consumer. I wish to purchase a thing and use it for a reasonable length of time that I measure in years and years. I don't want a noisy pile of plastic, wheels, and tubes to exude heat and not ingest anything remotely resembling household dirt.
I am not going today, but when I do, please, little Hoover, please, be good to me.

The Semi-Retired Person’s Guide to Patience In or Near Monster Machines!!!!!

Just desserts

The plan is this: quick walk around the block between 4 and 5 p.m., then supper for both of us.

Here’s how it went:

1. Nice walk to the elevator. Pressed button. Dog sat beautifully. Door opened.

2. HUGE MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR MONSTER SCOOTER THINGY WITH A BIG OLD GUY IN IT GOT OUT!!  

3. Dog* peed extensively, while trembling visibly, on cold, tiled floor.

(*names have been altered or changed to protect the innocent victims of MONSTER WHEELCHAIR SCOOTER THINGYS!)

4. Walk back to apartment with dog. Collect first available towel and spray bottle of ReSolve.

5. Walk back to elevator with dog. Ask dog to sit nicely. Spray floor. Wipe up spray and pee with fine towel, using right foot for most of the operation.

6. Walk back to apartment. Ask dog to sit nicely. Dump stinky towel and spray bottle in bathroom sink. Leave apartment.

7. Nice walk to the elevator. Press buttton. Utter every prayer an atheist can think of. Enter elevator with dog, even though THERE IS A MAN IN IT.

8. Skitter out of the elevator, through the lobby, out the door, and 

9. JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH! A MEDIUM MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR MONSTER SCOOTER THINGY WITH A BIG OLD GUY IN IT IS COMING OUR WAY!!!

10. Veer.

11. Dog pees. (Nice to know he tried to hold it upstairs.)

12. Pleasant walk around block. Return to outside the front door where the man that was in the elevator is talking to THE FELLOW IN THE MEDIUM MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR MONSTER SCOOTER THINGY.

13. Veer.

14. Wait for elevator, ‘way back away from the doors. Get home after letting the two guys go up without us.

Total time: 37 minutes.

Supper: I haven’t eaten yet. I have to concentrate on being calm, and patient.

I have to be happy he doesn’t have accidents everywhere, every day.

I don’t know what he sees. If it were a 100-kilo spider on wheels, I’d pee, too.

We live in a large building, with many seniors, many of whom have canes, walkers, and MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR MONSTER SCOOTER THINGYS. They’re really nice people.

What’s your dog mortally afraid of?